Lessons in dominance bdsm

Added: Leeann Casper - Date: 29.06.2021 08:28 - Views: 27695 - Clicks: 6311

The first time I ever found myself in a bedroom, surrounded by rope and in the presence of a willing girl, I will confess I let the moment go to my head. I was 20 years old, she was eager to please, and I had absolutely zero experience with neither rope playnor acting like someone who was supposed to be "in control" of a kinky situation. As such, we spent very little time talking about scenes and expectations, and plenty of time getting hot and bothered by the prospect of playing master and slave. Or in the case of my mind, kidnapper and victim.

Read: BDSM It took all of five minutes of looking into what should have been a satisfying scene before she got a flat look on her face, stopped squirming and sort of sighed. I asked her what was wrong, and she said "this isn't how I pictured it.

I wanted As it turned out, my fantasy, which I had held for just as long, was the opposite. Overcome with awkwardness, we just sat there, she restrained by some pretty terrible knots, and me feeling like the jerk in the room because I hadn't stopped to ask her what she wanted. It ended up destroying the relationship, all because nobody thought to speak up; we just blushed and giggled and launched into something far beyond what our emotional comprehension could handle.

One of the "traps" associated with being the dominant in a relationship which becomes a common pitfall with a novice Dom is placing far too much emphasis on expectations and fantasies, without stopping to consult or confer or even pay attention to the other person. We think "Dominant" and immediately fantasize about power and control and exercising those desires, without acknowledging the reality: we are not the only person here, we are not an actual master or kidnapper or whatever, but somehow that can get lost and we assume that "Dominant" means just that, and the other person is just lessons in dominance bdsm replaceable prop that we are playing with.

And then, to make matters worse, we have the potential to get angry when said person voices an objection - in this case a perfectly reasonable, nay, important gesture - and we react as such. It doesn't need to be this way. Not at all, not ever, and especially not with someone who trusts you enough to be "in charge" of a scene or fantasy.

Because it must be emphasized repeatedly: as a Dominant you are not in charge. At best, you are a co author in this story. As such, you need to be aware of your partner just as much lessons in dominance bdsm yourself. Do not be a dick. By all means use one, but do not abase yourself by acting like a slender watercraft trying to go through a vast sea of genital emission.

In other words, "don't be a douche canoe.

We say this because it's easy to power trip as a Dominant during a scene, and there are altered states that may happen to you known variously as dom-space, top-space, other various terms. Now the power dynamic is important here. As a dominant, you are deriving your sensual experience and potency from being in that role. But being a Dominant isn't just calling yourself Master or Mistress and flogging someone.

In fact, being a dominant might not include any traditional elements of dominant play at all; it can reside in a look, a facial expression, a heavy breath or a selection of choice words that evoke a sense of power, strength and authority. But by and large, communication is the priority. A good dominant knows when to listen, when to take action, and when to step back. This is just as important to you as it is to whoever you are with in the scene, if not more so. The Dominant is the one who has to be in control not only of the scene, but of themself Your play partner is the one who is trusting you to be a safe person and to create a safe space for them to express their own pleasures, their own pain, their own desires and shadows.

They are trusting your sense of control over yourself. thousands receiving hot new sex related articles, goodies, and great deals. There's the obvious side of safety in kink and in sex in general: the submissive partner - whether known as a bottom or other term - is trusting you with their physical safety. And believe me, there's a whole associated cluster of both power-triggered arousal, euphoria and fear lessons in dominance bdsm comes packaged in with it. Even as a Dominant you can, and likely will, experience fear, anxiety, concern, and awkwardness.

This is normal. Trust me. It will happen to you eventually. Has contraception and safer sex been discussed? What tools will you be employing for this specific scene and lessons in dominance bdsm can the scene be as physically safe as possible within those boundaries and within that context? While both partners are responsible for ensuring the scene proceeds faithfully and properly, the Dominant needs to be the one to remember to check in regularly during the scene, using the agreed upon safewords and other methods of communication that were set up before the rope was even taken out of its bag.

Seriously, before you even try to set a scene, you need to know how to end it. Communication is key, even if a ball gag is in use. Because once the scene begins and emotions are flying around, endorphins pumping through the blood, and both of you are lost in your respective roles, things can sour pretty quickly if both parties forget what they are doing.

As a Dominant, you must be fully aware of your actions and your partner's reactions. You may have heard the phrase " safe, sane, and consensual " when hearing about kink. RACK stands for risk-aware consensual kinkand is often used to describe situations in which some risk is known. Perhaps your play partner is autistic, or under treatment for depression.

Perhaps they get panic attacks every now and then, and while they are eager to play, want to talk about what you can do if they start getting a panic attack in the middle of playtime. Or - more visibly - perhaps you have back pain you need to adjust for, or an old ankle injury.

Other aspects of risk are included as well; with things like flogging, or hot wax, or rope, where pain and pleasure are blending together, it's very possible to forget that you are in fact causing harm for the sake of ecstasy. There's a line there can be crossed very very easily. Sexual risk is another factor included in the RACK system - from effects of prescribed antidepressants to risks like STIs or pregnancy.

It's not like you cannot participate in kink, but any risk does need to be discussed and mitigated. How you discuss this, and what you decide to do, is up to you and your partner. Sometimes it's just a few words, sometimes it's a longer conversation and sometimes a continuing dialogue is needed. This ties in to the second point. Skills and limitation awareness seem like a no-brainer, but in my partner Lily's early days as a Dominant, she handled her tools awkwardly because she was afraid of them she had baggage surrounding bondage and gender roles.

But once she unpacked her feelings about WHY she was handling her tools awkwardly, she became a much more capable Dominant. It also helped that she habitually makes certain to handle her tools herself first - feeling how the rope holds knots when tied to lessons in dominance bdsm arm or wrists first, for example - before applying untested rope to her partner during play.

But we've seen prospective Dominants who think that all you need to be dominant is to shout at or threaten your partner, and have gear like chains or rope or a gag. We all have read about a certain trashy novel that suggested that chains and cable ties are a good thing. No, they're not.

And an experienced Dom will know this. They will be familiar and comfortable with their toys and tools. They will observe their subs and act according to what makes them feel comfortable. Dominants may shout at their partners, certainly, but only within boundaries the partners set together. This goes for faults just as it applies to Dominants knowing what their skills and limitations are.

Dominance contains all that too. Know thyself, the saying goes, and a Dominant should at least be on the journey to know themselves and what they want in order to best provide, give, and nurture their submissives.

If you're interested in becoming a Dominant, you do not need to have all the answers, but you do need to be willing to explore where your baggage came from, and what you can do about it. You need to take responsibility for your own actions. Will you make mistakes? Yes, you're a human; people are going to make some mistakes along the way, sooner or later. That's part of gaining experience and leveling up. Now, this also means that if there are risk factors or hard limits you have, that you discuss them with lessons in dominance bdsm prospective partners as well.

Just because you are a Dominant in a relationship does not mean your partner does not have agency or power. What would happen if you are sick? In hospital? Do you want your partner to be able to look you in the eye and tell you something is wrong or that something you did or said bothers them? Does the submissive partner - if the submission is outside the bedroom as well - have the agency to make the choice to call after you, to send you a card, to pay any shared bills?

If you are sick and cannot meet a play date, is there any protocol or ritual to deal with that? Is there a protocol that will help you and your partner feel secure? Does the submissive have the agency to leave you for another Dominant if your time with them is not to the benefit of both parties? The third key thing to keep in mind as a Dominant is to be aware that people are all different. Even if there are two Dominants using similar tools say, both use flogging who come from similar backgrounds, they are still two distinct people.

There are many types of dominance and submission play, and Dominants also have different flavors, even if the tools they use are the same.

Lessons in dominance bdsm

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